“My beloved is mine and I am his.”
Some of the world’s most beautiful descriptions of the
relationships between men and women in love are contained in the Bible. By any
standards, we would find it hard to surpass the spirit of courtship which
breathes through these ancient words:
“My beloved speaks and says to me: Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away;
For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the
earth, The time of singing has come, And the voice of the turtledove is heard in
our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, And the vines are in blossom; They
give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come
away.”
Or, again, how could the completeness of belonging to one
another in the bonds of marriage find better expression than in eight simple
words — “My beloved is mine and I am his”?
These are Bible words: they touch upon one of life’s most
precious experiences. There is a charming simplicity and a moving wholesomeness
which elevate the treatment of the subject, and give a seemly insight into the
feelings of those concerned. Nothing, perhaps, could seem further removed from
the blatant treatment of the same subject by press and radio, in books and on
television in our “daring”, “frank”, “revealing”, “free” twentieth century. Are
we the better for the change from the alleged prudishness of the Victorian era?
Is the standard of Christianity an unnecessary discipline? Should men and women
by mutual consent be free to choose whether or not there should be rules to bind
the most intimate of relationships between members of the human race?
The writers of this booklet invite you to look at “sex”, as
our modern jargon has it, through the eyes of the Bible. Then, you can judge for
yourself. We are convinced that there is no better point of view and, which is
more, there is no surer way to a happy, healthy courtship, marriage and family
life. The Bible knows its subject and there is every reason why it
should.
How it all began
“But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and
female’. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined
to his wife, and the two shall become one’.”
These are the words of Jesus Christ and they tell us that the
first man and woman were made by God. The mutual attraction was implanted by
God. Not only were they made by God, they were made for each other and their
experience was to be shared by their posterity. The relationship was designed to
meet man’s need of companionship and support:
“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for
him.”
Man and woman were made in order that they might live together
to their mutual satisfaction and happiness. To do so, they would leave their
separate family circles and form a new bond: “A man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife.”
“Joined to his wife” is not simply the physical link between a
man and his wife. It is deeper than that. The union is an expression of the
willingness and promise to share life together. The marriage bond is unique and
God intended that it should be for life:
“What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put
asunder.”
One of the purposes of marriage is that man should be
“fruitful and multiply”. Children should be conceived and born in wedlock. The
Bible does not countenance “unmarried mothers” and irresponsible fathers as a
natural and acceptable basis for bringing children into the world. Why not?
Because family life should be the environment in which children are brought
up:
“These words which I command you this day, shall be upon your heart: and you
shall teach them diligently unto your children, and shall talk of them when you
sit in your house.”
“Honour your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded
you.”
The family is the Bible unit. Neither the twentieth century
world nor any other has found a better workable alternative.
To preserve the distinctiveness of the marriage bond and to
ensure the strength and joy of family ties, a husband living according to the
first laws of God was forbidden to cast desirous eyes on any other woman than
his wife: “Neither shall you covet your neighbour’s wife.”
Illicit desires can lead to harmful relationships and wrongful
indulgence. Adultery was forbidden on the grounds of offence against God’s
provision for human happiness in marriage. It creates a breach in the wall of
family life and can cause deep injury to children born out of true wedlock into
uncertain and troubled homes.
In the eyes of the Bible, therefore, “sex” is not an
experience to be sought for in isolation from the other human relationships of
marriage. It is designed as part of the life-long bond between a man and woman
who, having come to live together for mutual support and comfort, share the
innermost things of their hearts one with the other and find satisfaction in
expressing their love and self-giving in the most intimate of human
associations. Sex Is God-given
“Sex”, then, was provided for in the beginning by the all-wise
Creator. He it was who planted in man that inner desire which can culminate in
separation from parents, in moving from the home of one’s birth into a new
family circle, a new life – an unknown adventure – with a member of the opposite
sex. To have normal sexual feelings is nowhere condemned in the Bible, nor is
the ultimate exercise of these desires in love within the bonds of marriage.
What is condemned is the unbridled thought which ranges beyond the limits which
God has laid down for man’s well-being and happiness, and the promiscuous or
passing intimacy with one or more partners outside the relationship of true
marriage. “Trial” marriage, “experimental” sex and other forms of permissiveness
and all forms of perversion are sin. Sin is violation of God’s law and
provision. It is interesting to note that when the Bible shows disapproval of
sinful behaviour of any kind, it often uses terms which speak of improper or
loose affairs between man and woman.
Similarly, when God wishes to convey comfort or assurance,
there is no language more fitting and no relationship more apt than those which
are found in the love of man for woman, of parent for child, and of family for
the precious association known as “home”. The spirit of these words is
unmistakable:
“As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear
him.”
“Let not your hearts be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me. In my
Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you that I
go to prepare a place for you?”
“As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you.”
“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall exult in my God; for he has
clothed me with the garments of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of
righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride
adorns herself with her jewels.”
What comfort and assurance would there be in these words if
God were like the “unknown” fathers of illegitimate children, or to be compared
with the “unmarried” mother who wishes to be rid of her child? Surely, it is
clear that God’s provision for human love and marriage is designed to be a
reflection, however faintly, of the love which God bears for mankind and of the
desire He has shown to provide security and family life of the highest kind in
the fellowship of Christians with Himself through the Lord Jesus
Christ.
“Be fruitful and multiply”
Under favourable circumstances, the various forms of life on
earth are self-perpetuating. There is a built-in mechanism for reproduction
which ensures continuation of the orders of living things. Modern science has
probed the secrets of procreation and can tell us much — often in highly
technical language — to assist our understanding. The Bible gives the same
fundamental information in remarkably simple language:
“The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees
bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the
earth.”
In one way or another, this generation produces the next. Some
forms of life reproduce themselves simply by dividing into two or more separate
living parts. This is called asexual reproduction. Other forms require the
co-operation of male and female members of the species in order to produce new
members. In some cases, co-operation is a matter of fact affair, with rather
remote involvement of male with female; for example, in some fishes the female
deposits her eggs and the male releases the fertilizing sperm as he swims
behind.
The desire and ability to reproduce sexually is a cyclical
event, dominated by chemical substances called hormones, which are released into
the blood stream by certain glands. Thus, in birds, this can be restricted to
once a year, though there are exceptions, but in most quadrupedal mammals it
occurs more frequently, being governed by the time of ovulation in the female.
Many animals perform the sexual act simply under the influence of these
hormones, but in others there is obvious pleasure from the act which serves as
an added incentive to reproduce.
In these matters, man is both like and unlike the lower
animals. Like them he has a chemical powerhouse in which hormones play their
part and, particularly in the female, produce a cycle of activity of varying
intensity. Unlike them, man has processes of higher thought and intelligence
whereby he can bring about a unity of mind as well as of body when he engages in
sexual activity. The stimulus of hormones is harnessed to love and tenderness
which find expression in the intimacy of personal contact. It is true, however,
that man can degrade this relationship, sometimes below that of the beasts. It
should be remembered that man is able to excel, the beasts are not. Nature
reaches its pinnacle in man; he should therefore elevate his sexual activity to
match his superiority of mind.
Not an act of worship
However, we must not imagine that the act of sex in man is an
act of worship. Many heathen and idolatrous religions have associated sex, often
prostitution or homosexuality, with the rites connected with their gods. The God
of the Bible is not the god of heathendom. He does not indulge in the acts
attributed to heathen gods, or the gods of Greece or Rome. Whilst for the
Christian, therefore, sex can be ennobled by a purity and communion of thought,
it is not essential to his worship and full life as a disciple of the Lord Jesus
Christ. We call to mind that the Lord Jesus Christ himself was unmarried. Thus,
the inability of a man or woman to find a partner need not of itself be a bar to
spiritual growth, and for some it can be a means to it.
Whilst, then, in marriage sexual activity is the means to
procreation, is the sex act to be reserved solely for the purpose of having
children? Or, to put the question another way, is it always to take place under
such conditions that pregnancy may result? The twin nature of man’s experience
— the physical and the mental — may lead us to an answer. This experience
serves two purposes: procreation from time to time where physical conditions
permit, and the satisfying of the sense of possession and love whereby man and
wife are bound together, without necessarily seeking or wishing to procreate at
that time. The Bible describes this latter aspect of the sexual union in
different ways, for example:
“Then Isaac brought her into the tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his
wife; and he loved her.”
“For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise
the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse
one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote
yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through
lack of self control.”
Clearly, therefore, the divine provision found with the
normal, healthy married couple is for union to occur with greater frequency than
is needful for or intended for begetting children. This raises a question which
married couples must answer for themselves: Should steps be taken, by whatever
means, to avoid the possibility of conception except when the actual intention
and desire is to have a child? Comment must be made on this subject but it falls
more naturally under the wider context of
Sex in Marriage
Let us get some facts straight first of all. Marriage is not
sex and sex is not marriage. One of the scourges of our age is that the subject
has been given undue prominence by an appeal to the baser instincts, often
promoted by the motive of commercial gain by sellers of fashion and other goods.
Marriage is the whole of the shared life together. It is the fusing of two
independent ways of life into a partnership in love with common aims and a
willingness by each partner to give of self for the mutual good of both. We have
already made it clear that Bible marriage envisages a home and family
relationship of which sex is but a part. From this it follows that a wholesome,
happy marriage reaches its finest joys in the bonds of minds with high ideals,
unselfish devotion and a love which stems from pure desire, reciprocal respect
and honour, rather than in the climactic ecstasy of mere physical association,
though it may experience that as part of its full expression.
That is why marriage for money, for sexual appetite, for
social status or whatever, will fall short of the marvellous potential of which
a human being is capable. The following counsel expresses the spirit of these
things:
“Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to
your husbands, as to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the
church [ecclesia] and gave himself up for her. Even so, husbands should love
their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. Let each
one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her
husband.”
Marriage after this pattern will realize the joy and complete
integration which God intended. Anything less, any disproportion of activity or
desire, will not attain the happiness which is within our grasp.
It follows, therefore, that the seeds for a successful
marriage have a variety of qualities. There must be mutual attraction. Outward
beauty alone is no guarantee of happiness, however, neither to the one who
possesses it nor to the beholder. Nor are common ideals, Christian or otherwise,
sufficient grounds in themselves for marriage, though they will contribute
greatly to its success. Ideally, there must be a fully mutual appeal of the one
person for the other, and a corresponding willingness to possess and to be
possessed for life.
Whilst perfection of the marriage relationship, whether
physical or otherwise, remains an ideal even in the best marriages, there are
means whereby the imperfections can be minimized. From the professional
experience of one of the authors — a family physician — it can be said that
where a real companionship exists, founded upon oneness of mind and outlook, the
physical side of marriage is almost always satisfactory. Supremely, the true
marriage of two sincere believers has the most favourable circumstances in which
to produce also a happy physical union. When, therefore, the Bible directed
believers in Christ only to marry “in the Lord”, that is, to marry a similar
believer, it was not simply seeking to ensure a sound spiritual basis to family
life, but it was also contributing to married happiness in every sense,
including the physical unity associated with marriage.
A higher love
Is it to be assumed, then, that unity of mind and outlook will
remove all unevennesses of sexual relationships, especially those occurring
during the early part of marriage and, perhaps, in later life? Of course not.
But, the Christian life brings Christian qualities to bear upon all that the
Christian does. He is guided by a higher love than is found in the finest merely
human companionship. This love “is patient and kind; is not jealous or boastful;
is not arrogant or rude; does not insist on its own way; is not irritable or
resentful.”
Thinking on these lines will transform any situation. Try it
in the human situation of love, even in the most intimate sense in marriage, and
discover whether it is not the key to greater happiness. A thoughtless or rough
husband will thereby find considerable guidance for his behaviour in sexual as
in other matters. A cold, unsatisfying or forgetful wife will learn some thing
to her advantage from the same precepts.
This is not to say that Christians do not have problems in
their marriages, and in particular with this side of marriage. Marriage is the
blending together of two human beings, and human nature is pretty difficult
material to work with. On account of the physical make-up of the partners or
because of the cyclical bodily changes or of differing emotional influences, the
man and his wife may have completely different attitudes towards sex. A very
common problem, familiar to every medical man engaged in family practice, is the
marriage in which the woman does not have the desire to partake in sexual
activity to the same extent as her husband. The reasons may not be far to seek:
tiredness after an exhausting day coping with home and children; a more reserved
temperament with a corresponding lack of responsiveness; an over-eager husband
with a lack of tenderness and understanding; or, simply, the fear of conceiving
another child. In such circumstances, a wife may seek more and more to avoid her
husband and to ward off his advances. He, on the other hand, feels that he is
not wanted and may be in danger of seeking satisfaction elsewhere with
disastrous consequences to their marriage.
A careful re-reading of the Scriptures on page 7 will help a
great deal. The secret of understanding lies in seeking to look at problems from
the other partner’s point of view. It is essential to consider the needs of each
other and to seek to satisfy them. Little is gained by speaking of “rights” or
by making “demands”. Love does not insist on its own way. A quiet talk with one
another in the spirit of patience and sympathy will find a way to mutual
satisfaction and to full harmony of marriage.
A married man or woman must not seek to find an outlet for
sexual desire outside the marriage bonds. Wayward thoughts must be dismissed
even when they require very little to provoke them. The Bible makes it plain
that illicit associations are shameful and sinful:
“Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be
undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and
adulterous.”
A man or woman should seek to preserve the marriage vows with
the same instinct by which we seek to save our lives. Marriage is part of
ourselves: the injury we cause to it, we cause to ourselves.
A matter of conscience
But, to return to our theme of problems in marital union: what
about a wife’s fear of pregnancy? There is no doubt that for some it is a
constant and real fear. Is it right that every sexual act should expose a wife
to gnawing anxiety which not only diminishes her pleasure but arouses her
defensive mechanism to the detriment of both partners? On the other hand, is it
right to take any steps to avoid this fear, to render conception impossible or
the risk minimal? In other words, what of contraception? This is no place in
which to discuss the mechanics of this subject but it is the place to discuss
principles, thereby paving the way for the exercise of every man’s conscience in
the sight of God.
We have established earlier that procreation is not the
purpose of every occasion of intercourse in a well-balanced and happy marriage.
The profusion of human “seed” in man and woman and its discharge from the person
by various normal processes is an indication in itself that there is nothing
“holy” in the seed as such. Venting the human seed is not akin to loss of “life”
or of “persons unborn” or anything of that kind. Nor are there countless
immortal souls awaiting access to the fusion of a male and female seed. The
Bible knows nothing about these speculations of men. In discussing the discharge
of human seed, the law of God to the Jews counselled them to wash themselves and
to observe certain ritual acts as a discipline of the mind and as an indication
that the seed of man, when it comes to the birth, is in need of redemption. We
conclude, therefore, that the prevention of the blending of male and female seed
is not of itself destroying life or any such thing.
On the other hand, are there dangers associated with the use
of contraception? Undoubtedly, there can be — moral dangers. The easy
availability of contraceptives has led to an increase in intimate relationships
outside the confines of marriage. In these circumstances, moral constraints have
been cast away, and many people today regard pleasure of this kind as
legitimate. The teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ is clear: such practices are
evil. Moreover, the Bible makes it clear that God repays repeated sexual
promiscuity by diseases peculiar to that form of living. Twentieth century
western society has an alarming degree of incidence of such afflictions, and the
prevalence is increasing, particularly among young people. For this reason, it
is to be understood that whilst contraception may serve one purpose, it can
bring dread consequences in other fields. Wherein modern methods of avoiding
pregnancy have been an encouragement to some people to indulge in dissolute
living, they have not been a blessing.
But what about the use of contraceptives by married people? Is
there any danger here? There can be. Over-indulgence in sex, like any other
disproportion in life, has its evils. It is possible, even within marriage, to
reduce that which can be a satisfying, beautiful experience of mind and body to
the unbridled gratification of lust. Marriage does not give licence to the
degrading of one partner by the other, or of each by both. If contraceptives
become the means of unleashing wrongful passion, then they are not serving a
good purpose.
Is contraception, then, an evil? May it have any part in
Christian marriage? We have already said that we consider this to be a matter of
mutual conscience between married partners in the sight of God. It would,
however, be hypocritical to pretend that avoidance of pregnancy by one means or
another has not been practised from antiquity, long before the more
sophisticated means of a modern age became available. By this is meant not the
mere abstinence from intercourse. The earlier reference on page 7 makes it plain
that the Bible considers abstinence as unusual and not the norm of married life.
Clearly, whilst having normal relationships almost all married couples have in
one way or another sought to avoid the possibility of conception. Provided that
true love exists and the unity is not marred by sinful thought or intent as
mentioned above, we know of no Scripture which forbids such avoidance. Medical
or physical or emotional reasons may be advanced, and may be valid in individual
instances, for not using this or that or, perhaps, any method of prevention, but
this is not a Christian dictate.
In view of the way in which the Abortion Act is working in
Britain, perhaps mention should be made of “abortion”. There is obviously a
difference between prevention of the mingling of male and female seed, and the
deliberate termination of a pregnancy. Without entering into the many arguments
which have raged around this subject, it is salutary to note that God regarded
the loss of an unborn child when caused by a man’s violence against the
mother-to-be as a matter requiring compensation even if the woman suffered no
lasting harm (see Exodus 21:22-25). It was not treated as murder. Therefore, God
did not regard the unborn child as a “person”. It is in God’s eyes an injury
against the woman and against her husband to cause the woman to abort. Taking
this lead, therefore, we feel that it is not in keeping with the Christian way
of life to secure an abortion except on the strongest medical grounds, e.g. when
the mother’s life is endangered. Personal convenience or economic reasons are
not acceptable.
Before ending this aspect of the main subject, it is right
that we emphasize that the normal marriage in Bible terms should produce
offspring. The number and frequency may be something which most couples will
wish to determine for themselves as far as possible. It would be a sad thing,
however, if the order of our priorities was disturbed by a wrong emphasis on the
economic difficulties of our age to the detriment of the betterness which lies
in having a family of one’s own. This is a living expression of that truly
wonderful and deeply satisfying companionship of two persons pledged to each
other for life.
Adolescence
One of the strange phenomena of modern western society is the
unnatural jump which children are encouraged to make from childhood to maturity.
The steady growth and development which are intended to build the bridge from
one time of life to another are ignored or artificially shortened. Far from
being a waste of time, youth is a distinct time of life, a very real time, a
process by which both body and mind are released from the dependence of
childhood and brought to the experience and responsibilities of adult life. This
transition is a process which should be enjoyed as one of the delights of life.
It is sad to see the developing teenager trying to lose his very precious years
by simulating the grown man in dress or in habits. Being young is a joy not to
be squandered or distorted or wrinkled by premature anticipations of later
life.
The changes which take place in the human body during
adolescence are true, fundamental experiences. Properly understood, they are
taken naturally in one’s stride; when occurring in ignorance or under stress or
thoughtless exploitation, they can adversely affect a formerly happy and
pleasant personality.
Trite or platitudinous advice on this well-worn subject would
be worse than useless. Therefore, the following remarks describe some of the
advantages which attach to growing up in a good Christian environment.
First of all, it is good to remember that the atmosphere in
which children are brought up is created by the parents. Ill-mannered,
unprincipled, loosely moralled parents are unlikely to give a good start to
their family. The decline in Christian thinking and living in British homes has
been accompanied by a drastic fall in moral standards, and there are few who
would not acknowledge the connexion between these two parts of life. It is true
that some believe that the new “freedoms” of the past decade are the result of
casting off the shackles of a prudish and restrictive age. What ever our
viewpoint, the increase in the numbers of broken homes, unmarried mothers and
cases of venereal disease among young people should give all of us serious food
for thought. It is undeniable that the observance of Christian principles, or
even of the Ten Commandments of Moses, would considerably reduce these unhappy
circumstances. Jewish parents were given the following commands by God, and they
account for the very strong family ties which persist among that
people:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul,
and with all your might. And these words which I command you this day shall be
upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and talk
of them when you sit down in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when
you lie down, and when you rise.”
There is no substitute for good parents. The influences of
teachers at school or of youth leaders or of mass teaching by television cannot
stand in for the power for good in united and good homes. Parents who fail to
take hold of the reins of responsibility for the upbringing of the children they
have brought into the world, are undoubtedly rendering a grave disservice to the
young and are abnegating one of the prime responsibilities of marriage. “Let
them find out for themselves” is as dangerous in the development of children in
this bewildering age as it is to throw a child who can not swim into water
beyond its depth. The Bible says that children need discipline. There is good
evidence in the world around us that the Bible is right. Discipline does not
mean harsh corporal punishment or stern repression, nor does it entail cruel
impositions or a denial of the joys of living. Rather is it the inculcation by
precept and example of wholesome, beneficial principles. This can be helped
along considerably by daily Bible reading in a loving, uncensorious, nurturing
atmosphere in a freely communicative and happy home.
Healthy understanding
“Let them find out for themselves” is sheer folly when it
comes to sex. Good parents pave the way for their children from the tenderest
years to a simple and healthy understanding of sex and reproduction. Questions
and answers are the obvious way: nothing can stop children asking questions, and
parents should take the opportunities they offer with both hands. Keeping pets,
sharing the excitement of expecting a new birth in the family and the judicious
provision of the right level of reading material are unfailing means of getting
home the right information at the right time and of having a right attitude to
it. Unseemly stories, suggestive expressions and doubtful reading material and
illustrations about the home are equally certain means of breaking down the
defences of young minds.
By the time sexual changes are apparent in the body and new
sensations occur in the mind, young people in Christian homes will have been
well prepared. At this critical time, parental forbearance is essential,
especially when young people surprise themselves by upsurges of self-assertion
in a very positive manner or by sudden fits of tears or other outbursts aroused
by new but very powerful feelings. Understanding, sympathetic advice and scope
for activity suitable for maturing persons are helpful, particularly when stress
is apparent. One of the surest ways of complicating the problems which
adolescents experience is for parents to pretend the problems do not exist, or
equally bad, to forbid youthful activity in the home. Ostrich-like behaviour on
the part of parents can be the cause of a great deal of unhappiness. The right
place for dealing with problems is on home ground and young people should
accordingly be encouraged to talk freely and to bring their friends into the
home. There must be mutual respect throughout the family and a realization that
young people are individuals and not simply an extension of their parents’
lives. By this means, the whole family can pool its experiences, exchange views
and share life together. Wise Christian counsel sympathetically given or made
available will dispel many difficulties and nip problems in the bud before some
of them bring forth bitter fruits.
A right balance
Apron strings are no substitute for reciprocal confidence and
mutual trust. It is impossible for parents to monitor everything their young
people do, nor is it desirable that they should attempt to do so. Well-laid
principles, honestly believed and followed, are better than a thousand
finger-waggings and constant suspicious checks on behaviour. This does not mean
giving way to those prevalent and undesirable practices whereby parents go out
for the night and hand over the home to a crowd of teenagers without any senior,
responsible member present to ensure sensible behaviour. Worse still is the
all-night party, when young folks are allowed to pair off in various parts of
the house. Emotions and responses can be aroused which soon lead to sexual
involvement and, maybe, irretrievable loss of integrity of person. There are
other and more innocent ways in which young people can enjoy the adventure and
pleasure of mixing with the opposite sex and of forming friendships. For parents
to forbid it is to stand Canute-like against nature’s sea. To give it unbridled
and provocative expression is to be overwhelmed by a flood of sorrow.
Striking the right balance is a matter of judgment which must
be developed against the background of understanding between young people and
their parents. Enlarging the home circle by welcoming other young people is a
truly pleasurable experience, and is an excellent basis for young people’s
personal friendships. Not that two young people whose friendship is becoming
more than a casual attachment can be denied privacy. They must not be denied it.
It is only at such times – and perhaps in letters one to the other – that there
is a true exchange of minds. Privacy, then, is a privilege of friendship and
when it is granted in the right place, at the right time and in the right
circumstances it will not place temptation in the way of innocent hearts. It
goes almost without saying that long periods at night or in bedrooms or in
scanty dress do not satisfy the conditions which are wise and proper.
On being young
This section deals with only part of the joys of youth and
only part of the problems. It is written out of love for and long acquaintance
with young people, in the family circle and else where. Much has been said in
recent times about the irresponsibility and selfishness of youth. Our own
experience has provided an antidote to the current “anti-youth” feelings to be
found in some quarters. We know many fine young people who are a credit to youth
in general and all the more so when measured against the complexities and trends
of our age. The following paragraphs, therefore, are written in the hope that
they will be of help to such young people, and to others who might wish to
improve their standards or overcome some of the difficulties which accompany the
processes of growing up.
We become aware of these processes when it is obvious to us
that our bodies are developing and our minds are beginning to experience a
broadening of their horizons. This is an exciting and unique time. Suddenly, we
are aware of the beauty of someone who yesterday seemed but a girl and now is a
young woman, or of the handsome dash of a young man whose deepened voice and
strength betoken the end of boyhood. We sense a power of attraction in ourselves
and are ourselves responsive to the attraction in others. A wish for friendship
of a special kind is awakened in us and some of the inner feelings are strangely
poignant and powerful. Our behaviour is often an odd mixture of shyness and
assertion, and we scarcely recognize our old selves.
Youth is a gift from God and He knows how it can be best
enjoyed. It is precious and comes only once, bringing fragile qualities,
exquisitely keen emotions and deep-seated ideals. More over, as we become
conscious of our individuality and independence, we sense that there are parts
of our person and personality which are not for everyone; they are reserved to
ourselves or some one person in particular.
Youth is both sensitive and vigorous: how to care for it has
engaged the minds of thinkers throughout the ages. There is one way which is
supremely commendable — the Christian way, the way of discipleship. Some young
people have imagined that to follow Christ is to take the pleasure out of life.
Nothing could be wider of the mark. True discipleship is the perfection of joy
in the highest sense. Without any degree of cant or superficiality, it can be
said that young people who choose the path of Christ are the happiest young
people on earth. They need no artificial aid to give them a lift, or kicks or to
get them “high”. Their joy is realistic and clear-sighted, well-founded and
enduring. To those who have joys of a different kind, whether by the
artificialities we have mentioned or by following their own philosophy of life,
it can be said that the best is yet in store — the deeper, wider and fearless
happiness of following the highest ideals of all time and the finest leader ever
known, the teaching and leadership of Christ.
In passing, reference must be made to other forces which come
from the storehouse of the human heart: such powerful attitudes as jealousy,
hate, envy, greed, selfishness and deceit. We are not blamed by God for having a
heart which is able to devise these things; after all, we have inherited our
nature from our parents. But the Bible makes us aware of the dark powers of our
own minds and of the consequences which result from giving them free expression.
At the same time, Bible teaching shows us a better way of using our
thoughts.
Take, for example, those first feelings of love for someone of
the opposite sex. They are sometimes described as “heavenly”, “divine” or
“fabulous”. What we really mean is that the experience is extremely pleasant.
But, think what can happen when we inject the poison of jealousy, envy or the
other undesirable emotions of our “other” self into the human situation. We can
destroy our happiness — and, that of someone else. A Christian has special
signposts which help him to avoid the pitfalls of temptation which might ruin
the joys of friendship or the nobler ideals to which we aspire. Good living and
good thinking are not attained by chance or casual effort — the darker side of
our hearts is too powerful to let that happen. No, there must be conscious
effort and a sound basis. That is why daily Bible reading is an unfailing source
of instruction, and prayer a means of steadying the thoughts and keeping them in
contact with God. A man is known by the company he keeps: choose the right
company – always. Books are a powerful influence – read the right kind of
literature and daily newspaper. Take stock every day of what has been achieved.
By these means, proper and lasting pleasures can be developed in the context of
the teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ. “Being in love” will be a pure, lovely
and unashamed happiness.
How far?
One is sometimes asked how far it is permissible to go in
love-making, even when marriage has not been promised between the parties
concerned. “How far” means how far in the physical sense of physical contact
with the one for whom at that time there is a strong affinity.
In answering what is a very good question, it might be helpful
to ask a series of different questions: with whom? how did we meet? what have we
really in common? what is the real purpose of showing in some physical way our
affection? is it to catch a fleeting pleasure? is it part of what we feel in our
minds — a true desire to show in some tangible way what is a true
affection?
The fact is that when we have begun seriously to exchange
physical affection — caresses, kisses and the like — we have begun to tap that
very precious store of personal things which each of us possesses. In this,
every man, and especially the disciple of Christ, needs to walk with care. “How
far?”, then, begins with “with whom?” We need to exercise care in the choice of
companions, the friends with whom we share our leisure (a plentiful commodity in
modern society). Not only are we known by the company we keep: the more we keep
it, the more like it we become. Quite simply, if we choose bad company because
it is bad, the Bible says:
“Do not be deceived — bad company ruins good
morals.”
Therefore, we must choose well when we select our boy or girl
friend. An attractive form or a pretty face is not a substitute for a clean
mind. The finest minds come from association with fine things: the finest things
come from God.
Elsewhere, the Bible puts it another way:
“Can a man carry fire in his bosom and his clothes not be
burned?”
Obviously, not. Therefore, bad company, bad thoughts and bad
practices scar the mind, pollute the processes of thought and breed evil deeds.
Conversely, good company, good thoughts and good practices fortify the mind,
purify the desires and make themselves known in a good way of living. There is a
general principle of Scripture which helps here:
“Do not be mismated with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness
and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with
darkness?”
It is often too late to ask “how far?” in love making when the
wrong lover has been chosen. Get the right companion and the question takes
another form: How best do I show my love as a Christian lover? and what should I
expect to take in return?
Love is a process
Two lovers with the same standards will find a common response
to the sound principles of Christ whenever they are alone. Love is a process and
not simply a passion: love needs time and not haste and thoughtlessness. First
there are the overtures, the means of “getting to know” each other —
conversations, the exchange of letters, the close observance (even from afar!)
of the one in whom we are particularly interested, the times spent together and
the exchange of confidences. These lead on to an awareness and trust, a respect
and loyalty, which accompany an increasing affection. When the friendship has
ripened in this way — and, especially, when we have visited each other’s homes
and seen something of the kind of life that is lived — how far, then, can we
go?
It is unfortunate that the level of modern conversation, and
certain types of television programme and magazine, have made kisses very cheap
currency. Kisses between two individuals alone are of most value when reserved
for the one whom time and proof have singled out as thereby entitled. She who
grants kisses easily and takes caresses from all and sundry, may find she has
very little in reserve by which to betoken the real feelings of love when they
are aroused.
This leads us a step further. Kisses and caresses, repeatedly
given and taken by two persons alone for a long period of time, lead almost
imperceptibly to an irresistible desire to give expression to love in the most
intimate way possible between two human beings. This expression is reserved for
marriage. Repeat, this is reserved for marriage and should not be entered upon
outside those precious bonds. By those who would follow Christ, this principle
is upheld. A Christian lover, even when engaged to be married, would not wish to
pursue his love-making so as to imperil and, perhaps, blight for ever, that
final unique status of which each of us is possessed and which God has arranged
to be exchanged in wedlock. It is not to be imagined that stolen fruit is the
same fruit as that which marriage gives. It is not; it cannot be, and it can
have a bitter centre. The other has increasing joy. True lovers who wish to
follow the highest ideals and find the lasting and true pleasures which marriage
affords, will shun those things which stimulate to undesirable limits, and will
not seek time or opportunity to put unbearable tension on the brittle strands of
human strength. There is a time, therefore, when “No further” is the reply to
“How far?” There is a time when “How far?” has given way to ultimate possession
of one by the other: that time is when life together has begun and the marriage
bonds have made it plain that we are irrevocably committed to one
another.
A mixture of sad experiences
Several times a year, every doctor engaged in family practice
is confronted with a girl for whom life will never be the same again. Her tears
express her sorrows and fear. She is afraid of parental reaction, of social
opinion, of losing her job or of having to discontinue her education and she is
ashamed to face the world in which she previously moved in freedom and joy. All
this is followed by a lifetime of looking back and regretting the foolishness of
youth. Quite possibly, a distorted attitude towards sex will result and with it
an inability to find sexual happiness in marriage.
Her condition is indicative of a widespread breach of the
personal chastity which should characterize wholesome living. She is the one
whose sin has found her out; there are many who remain undetected. Let us make
our convictions clear in this matter, too: the evil does not lie in the fact
that an unmarried girl becomes an unmarried mother. It is more basic than that:
the evil lies in having intercourse before marriage. Some girls are to be more
pitied than blamed, and others more blamed than pitied. The same goes for the
young man. But let none of us be priggish and self-righteous in this matter.
None is exempt from the temptation to commit such sin and young Christians
should not under-estimate the power of desire when once it is awakened. Many
mighty men and women have fallen both before and after marriage to illicit
associations. The outstanding example in Bible history is king David’s act of
adultery with the beautiful Bathsheba.
Sin is roused in only three ways: by what the eyes see, by
what the body desires and by man’s insufferable pride. Therefore, the surest
course by which to fortify one’s heart against temptation is to control the use
of one’s eyes, to avoid provoking the latent desires of the body to wrong uses
and to learn to walk humbly before God. The first of these is difficult in an
age when the mass media transmit the suggestive and the provocative. Moreover,
the modern dress of women and men is designed to give accent to the appeal of
the eye. It is true, of course, that we can be sexually provocative in any kind
of clothes. There are, however, at the present time, degrees of near-indecency
in the diminishing length of dress and the increasing exposure of parts of the
body. The soundest advice which can be given to any who wish to endorse the
highest principles is this: “Is the nature of my dress and the reason for
adopting it such as would cause no embarrassment to Christ and no shame to me,
were Christ and I to be face to face?”
Positive thinking
But, real progress is made in this as in every other aspect of
character by positive thinking. The Bible puts it this way — and, surely, there
could be nothing better:
“Whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious — think about these
things.”
Bible thinking is clean thinking. If a young man or woman will
take this to heart and, in addition, follow the practical advice given on pages
22 and 23, no evil will result and, what is more important, there will be a joy
and contentment of mind undisturbed by inconvenient desires.
At this point, it is suitable to mention something which
troubles a lot of young people of both sexes, particularly young men. Whilst not
seeking opportunity for wrongful association with a member of the opposite sex,
there is ample play within the mind upon themes of that kind. These are stirred
in a variety of ways not least among which are the sexual provocations which
come through the impact of television, magazines, books and the manner of dress
of the opposite sex. The result is the desire to seek relief of pent up feelings
and this is done by physical excitation of the sensitive parts of the body.
Sometimes, of course, the stimulus might come through wholly innocent
means.
What is one to say concerning this subject? Obviously, it lies
in a different category in some respects from the matter with which this chapter
began. Some writers have treated it in a matter-of-fact way and taken it for
granted like eating or having a bath. However, it is more likely than not that
the thoughts associated with such practices would not find a place in the
catalogue of edifying, acceptable food for thought given in the verse of
Scripture quoted above. For that reason, if for no other, we should seek not to
be caught up in such habits or, if already enmeshed, to escape.
The way to improvement
Little purpose is served simply by being filled with self-pity
or morbid self-reproach. The way to improvement is to engage mind and body in
other things. Substitution of the better for the worse is a sound Bible remedy
— and, it works. To begin and end each day in prayer is medicine in itself:
moreover, it gets to work at those times of our waking hours when we are most
vulnerable to idle thought. Wholesome reading is the second cure. The Bible
heads the list but there are many other books which give the mind something to
bite on. Good companionship is remedy number three. Talking it over with someone
else is a marvellous help. Choose someone who is understanding, trustworthy and
approachable. Don’t neglect good fresh air and the exercise which young bodies
need. Set yourself high ideals, Bible ideals, and seek to live up to them by
every means in your power.
Do not be discouraged if, because you are already caught up in
the habit, you do not succeed in overcoming it in a single heave. A man we knew
gave sound advice when talking about how to conquer bad habits. Set yourself a
limited objective, he used to say, a target you can reasonably hope to attain,
and gradually lengthen it until your habit is weakening and you are getting on
top of it. There is a depth of understanding behind that advice. Try
it.
An economic problem
Now to another matter. Marriage these days is far different
from the simple, public acknowledgement of Old Testament times, when a man and
woman had little courtship as we know it, and were married as soon as convenient
after the decision to marry had been taken (read Genesis 24 for one of the most
exquisite records in Scripture). Today, economic circumstances make for long
courtships, in most cases at any rate. When the initial phase is passed, the
friendship merges into companionship based on love and mutual desire. If
nature’s course were followed, marriage would not be long delayed once the two
hearts were beginning to beat as one. But nature and economics are not always
good friends, and a long period often elapses during which financial preparation
is made for setting up home. This does not interrupt the meetings of lovers,
indeed it tends to make them more fervent and filled with longing.
Whereas, therefore, nature’s course would have resulted in
physical union, this is put off by the frustration of circumstances. A number of
voices from various quarters, including leaders of religion in some cases, have
begun to say that pre-marital intercourse between two people pledged to marry is
natural and proper. Bible teaching is plain: marriages are sealed by this final
act of giving and receiving. It is known as “two becoming one flesh”. That is
marriage — at least on the purely physical side. To anticipate it is to
undermine the protecting wall which safeguards the uniqueness of married life.
Moreover, and we cannot say this too strongly, the experience of pre-marital
union is not the experience of union within the marriage bond; it lacks the
essential qualities of mind which signify that two persons are living one life
in one home. Union reflects the separation of two people from all others and the
establishment of a nerve centre from which the mutual happiness springs.
Therefore, we are not simply waiting for the marriage lines to give sanction to
complete union; we are waiting for the right conditions for such
fulfilment.
Finally, in this chapter of sad experiences, we must needs
refer to acts which modern society condones contrary to the direct counsel of
scripture. We refer to sexual activity between members of the same sex.
Undoubtedly, there are mentally sick people in whom abnormalities of behaviour
are sometimes found. They need sympathy and special treatment. It is not of them
that we write. Our words are directed against the deliberate fostering of
monosexual behaviour which is altogether contrary to the decrees of God. Read
Genesis 19 and see for yourself. Read Romans 1:24-32 and see whether or not such
a way of life is likely to lead to contentment of mind and happiness. Man is
made for woman and woman for man in these matters; and marriage is the basis of
it all. Anything else is wrong.
But supposing . . . ?
But, supposing someone has been involved in one or other of
the sad experiences we have described, or others which are related but have not
appeared in our comments? Is there no way of redeeming the position? Are we cut
off from God for ever? Does God condemn us for a single act of folly or for a
habit which we want to break? Of course not. God wants us. However black the
past has been, be assured that you can be washed clean of all past sins and
start life afresh as a sanctified member of the house hold of God.
When Jesus was here, his company was sought by people of
ill-repute. Not because he condoned their sins, but because he made them want to
forsake them. Surprising things happened to what must have seemed to be
incorrigible sinners. Turn up 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, if you would really like to
know what a difference it made to some people including the immoral, and
adulterers and homosexuals. When the teaching of Christ comes in and we espouse
the desire to serve him, then evil ways drop off and we can make a new start.
That is what repentance is about. That is why baptism in water was chosen by
Christ as the simple ritual act for every adult believer. As water washes the
body, so Christ cleanses the mind.
Cleansing is not restricted to those who are beginning to
serve Christ. It is offered to those who, having begun to serve him, fall into
sin and want to be restored. Forgiveness is freely available for those who fully
repent.
True repentance will be followed by forgiveness and a new way
of life. Christ improves everything he touches and the ordinary experiences of
life are no exception. The affairs of men and women take on a new perspective.
Courtship develops a fresh beauty; marriage has an added dimension; and, life
has a fuller meaning, purposeful and full of hope. Human marriage is seen to be
a reflection of something far greater, the relationship between Christ and his
church. The love of Christ for her, and her complete dependence upon him are a
model on which marriage, true marriage, is based. But, whereas human marriage is
simply for a lifetime, discipleship is for ever. Moreover, when the Lord Jesus
Christ comes back to the earth in the day when God’s kingdom shall be
established over all the wide face of the globe, the bride of Christ will be
blessed with the beauty of everlasting life which she will spend with him in
endless joy.
John Allfree and Harry Tennant